Not good enough

 Why am I never good enough

Why do I try

Why should I pretend anyone care

I thought you would have cared

Why did I think you would have cared

No one ever does

Stupid me for thinking otherwise

Never give out my heart

Never tell my emotions

Never think anyone gives a damn

When they only pretend

It never matters

I could die tomorrow

Who would notice if I was gone no one

Why should I care when

No one else would

Please don't lie and say you care

When you really actually don't

My life doesn't matter

I could *** my wrists or wherever else

Let the blood flow

Only a few would care

I wish I was gonna right now

You wouldn't care, and you shouldnt

Lifeless (NOT TRUE!! Just a writing)

 Blood draining from me

Like a river flowing

From my veins

To the ground in a puddle

As dark as night

The night smelling like iron 

As the blood drips down slowly

No one can hear ym silent scream

As the sharpened blade slices my 

Delicate skin, deeper and deeper

Like a hot knife searing my tender flesh open 

To be mangled and played with

My blood and veins exposed for the air to crip them up if the flow allows

I scream so silently that no one can hear

My begs and pleas cannot exscape my to dry lips

I hold my breath in hopes it will be over soon

Will someone come for me before it's to late?

No, no one give a damn about what happens

Why should anyone?

Im not their problem

I never was

Not mine

 You are not mine so I shouldn't feel this way

I miss you so much

I miss your smile

I miss your laugh

I miss your voice

I miss everything about you

I do get jealous if you flirt

Do not ask my why

I have no clue

I miss the way you make me feel

I miss the way you make my heart skip a beat, sometimes two beats

I have a huge fear you will let me to

Telling me you don't need or want me

I won't let you go, I will always be in your life

I am here to show you that

The most important thing to me is your happiness, even when it is not me

I miss you

How I long to be the one that make you laugh so hard

How I long to be the one to make you smile constantly

How I long to be the one that makes your fears go away

I wish you know so will never run

No matter what plagues you, I am here

I wish you felt the same

But I know I would have a better chance catching a falling star

I could not imagine a better human in my life

You are strength I have never seen

You have such a huge amazing heart 

You care no matter what

I miss you

Your soul shines so deep and bright

It's almost magical

Almost spiritual

Make me smile

 She makes me smile

Without even trying

She comforts me in a way

I never thought possible

She crosses my mind daily

I guess she never really left

When all you want to do is hug her

Make her pain disappear

Hold her in your arms

Talking about the future

Talking about your hopes and dreams

You fears and frustrations

What you want out of life

When just being near her

Sparks a light in you

When you get so excited

When you hear from her

You just want to hear all about her day

Why she did what she did, what makes her happy and sad

Just hear her passions, calm her demons

To look in her eyes and see her passion

To feel her heartbeat and her breathing

Smell her sweet scent

Feel the curves of her face

Feel her beautiful soul

Put a smile on her face

Matter

 You look in the mirror and all you can see is

The feeling of emptiness and darkess

The huge black void in the pit of your soul

That rips and naws at you

As of someone is has slowly cut you with a rusty, jagged knife

Ripping your insides out with bare hands

While you were still fully conscious

When all you feel is dread, horror, unworthy, unwanted, unloved, often forgotten, overlooked, and not good enough, no one will ever want you

You love yourself and are good most times, but

You are no one's choice and never will be

You have accepted that, and most times, you are ok with it

No light at the end, no hope

You are NOT thinking of ending things

You just can't find the good in yourself anymore

You just keep thinking to yourself

"Do I really even matter? What am I good for?" 

Know your worth

Some people come into your life to stay, others just to helps us learn something. We never really get over the pain, we just learn to adapt to it.Take time to grieve and acknowledge the pain, but then get back up and stand tall. Sometimes something will trigger it, but you will always rise! Just take what you have learned and apply to going forward. Always remember how amazing beautiful, worthy and kind you are. Your soul shines so bright, your kindness is so great. You make others feel better about themselves. You are a true God send and Angel! Never forget who you are and never, never, never give up! You are an amazing mom, sister, daughter, and friend! You will rise!! You are always needed and wanted here! You belong here no matter what anyone may say!! Know and live your worth!!!

My new way of life +many many many years later

 ***I am drunk*** more things have happened then you can possibly imagine.

I MIGHT MIGHT  be INTO FEMALES!!! This stated soooooo many months ago..more months than this blog!! 

I had been going to the LDS Church with in laws (and they were absolutely amazing!! both my I. Laws and the members)..for almost 3 years. 

I started TikTok to prove to my youngest that is was NOT a good place for him....but little did I know what I know now.

At one point, I broke BOTH my elbows and my left wrist, then a year later I broke my left kneecap and have to have surgery (on my left right as well). 

I 'met'  Deupty547 here. He seemed amazing. I wrote to him..he turned out to be a jerk!!!! 

Later I found someone who was very interesting and sooo inspiring...so I looked at all the videos...come to find out it was a FEMALE!!!! 

I didn't know I was into females!! Imagine my shock!!! 

So, things progressed. I saw minks2006 (who became my bestie and I met her in person!!!), Moneycmoneydew_loveless (we were friends, had trouble, but how friends again...and hope we can still stay friends!) babyface.420 (plus alieses), brittanylnn (alieses, AND who's fiancee passed away in a tragic accident), Juliet, Rico, Anne, and a few more. 

Now days it's doesn't seem as simple as trusting. My bestie and I are still that.... besties.

I wanted to go to CT to hang out with a friend, sometimes I still do. This friend is truly amazing, sincere, kind (even with past problems). She may have fucked me over, but I should probably try and forgive her. 

There are people who I wish I could communicate better with...

On April 20, 2022 Grandma Knight passed away after such along time without grandpa - almost 16 years I think. Such a long time without someone else. No significant other to hold, hug, love, have intimate bonds with, share the rest of the dreams with, cook with, etc.

This post is a clonglamoration (spelling???) Of shit. Sorry, not sorry.

There are a few woman (that's right WOMEN) I would LOVE to meet in person (or remeet) but will never get to..one and 2 (who knows who they are or should!, both TikTok and Facebook!), Juliet, Anne, Ryker, Celina Spookyboo. ALL on TikTok and Facebook!!! 

I am happy with who I am (180 lb, short brown hair, 5'3" and all!) You went me?? Come get me!!